As CoVid19 surges across Canada, sending many into personal, psychological, financial and economic tumult, where does one look for calm, solace and hope?
The virus has brought into sharp relief, limits to our knowledge, our capacity to respond and our resources. For many, it is a profound encounter with uncertainty. An extraordinary experience of powerlessness and lack of control as we are confronted with ambiguity, randomness, disconnection and complexity on a massive scale.
And, these sources of uncertainty grow daily. Be they a barrage of contradictory messages, a lack of credible sources or ever-evolving information and instructions. The situation itself is complex; hard to comprehend. It’s not amenable to quick, easy, simple or black and white solutions. Positive outcomes remain unassured, closure hard to come by and respite yet to be realized.
Coping with the pandemic means practicing, bolstering and learning what psychologists call tolerance of uncertainty at both a personal and national level. Tolerance of uncertainty is defined as a set of psychological responses including cognitive, emotional and behavioural reactions provoked when we become consciously awareness of real limits to what can be understood, known, predicted, anticipated or controlled.
Enhancing one’s ability to tolerate uncertainty is one way to find a place of respite while dealing with the ramifications of CoVid 19. The virus elicits a myriad of positive and negative reactions and understanding these is the first step to finding ways to navigate uncertain times.
Expected Cognitive, Emotional and Behavioural Reactions and What to Do when Experiencing Them
Uncertainty invites a whole host of emotions, thoughts and behaviours. These can include worry and anxiety; anger and frustration; feelings of powerlessness, confusion and despair. These emotions can arise unbidden, take over for a while and wreak havoc with our sense of equilibrium. However, this is to be expected and it’s normal. Thoughts that seem negative or dark; repetitive or unwanted and downright odd, may be frequent. Plus, behaviours that may seem out of character or disproportionate can occur. These experiences are all part of how we collectively tolerate uncertainty.
Worry, Anxiety and Fear
Worrying about one’s job, loved ones or future is part of tolerating uncertainty. Being aware of these emotions and acknowledging them as valid, assists in coping. Dismissing or brushing away fears can forestall dealing with and accepting the fact that many aspects of the situation are unknown.
Being afraid makes sense and action can be taken to reduce fears including following health advisories, checking out emergency government assistance programs and connecting with others. Acknowledging anxiety and fear, letting these feelings ‘just be there’ can help. As can taking time to intentionally sort what one can control from what one cannot control.
An exercise to try, is place two small buckets on a table. One is marked, “In my/our control” and another is marked, “Out of my/our control”. Next, write down the various thoughts, emotions or behaviours you may be experiencing. Sort them into the buckets according to what is in your control and what is not. Then look at what you can control and plan a course of action to suit.
For example, a Team Lead working from home, noticed he and his supervisors were becoming increasingly abrupt when asking for assistance or giving direction. The tone during meetings, over the phone, and in email had become decidedly short as patience wore thin. While the Team Lead could not control how his peers were behaving or feeling, he recognized he could control what he did and said.
He decided to discuss this observation with his peers and supervisors. He noted they were experiencing a collective sense of urgency as their response to uncertainty. He aimed to help the team understand abruptness as a valid response to uncertainty and to reflect on how they might wish to communicate with direct reports in the future. He concluded he would decrease curt instructions and terse responses.
Frustration and Anger
Other common emotions, naturally arising when practicing tolerance of uncertainty are frustration and anger. Feeling thwarted, confined or powerless can elicit lashing out, ranting, venting or critical, mean and impatient behaviour. Again, acknowledging these emotions and behaviours as reactions to uncertainty is key. Managing one’s responses to these feelings is important. Choosing to respond constructively based on one’s emotions, luckily falls into the category of what one can control.
But how?
Actively giving oneself some time out, permission to take a breather or push the internal pause button when angry or frustrated is important. Staying on autopilot when experiencing anger makes tolerating uncertainty harder. Unfortunately, allowing oneself to act on angry or frustrated feelings, may result in a futile attempt to control others.
Paradoxically, this response tends to increase feelings of powerlessness and helplessness rather than reduce them. Some of the thinking behind using anger to make oneself feel better is, “If I throw my weight around or start yelling, I’ll be able to control others because if they stop being so annoying, I’ll be alright.”
Practicing tolerating uncertainty in this case, means reflecting on your values—something which is within your control. Ask yourself, “What is the most important thing to me about being a friend, neighbour, husband, wife, father, mother, worker, driver or person and the like?” There are many answers and one client noted she valued being a kind person. While another said, as a husband and father, he valued being there for his family.
Tapping what they valued about themselves, helped when they inevitably felt anger arise when tolerating uncertainty. Each combined what they valued most about themselves with permission to take a breather when upset. This assisted each in decreasing the chances they would cross the line and respond angrily when feeling frustrated.
The chance of crossing the line or going against cherished values by opting for an angry response or frustrated behaviour, is lowered when one sees oneself as fundamentally kind, or believes in being there for loved ones. Choosing a different response when feeling angry, thwarted, or upset, is key to tolerating uncertainty. Plus, knowing one can take a time-out to think things through helps.
Confusion, Overwhelm, Distraction, Disinterest and Despair
Another common set of emotions experienced when tolerating uncertainty are confusion, feeling overwhelmed, uninterested, distracted or despairing. A client observed he felt overwhelmed and found his mind tended to hop incessantly from one topic to the next, generating feelings of panic.
He found the only way to get a break, was to distract himself by binge watching TV shows and playing video games. Unfortunately, when he eventually stopped distracting himself in these ways, his sense of being overwhelmed intensified.
However, what helped most was when he gave himself a real break. The source of some of his feelings of being overwhelmed and despairing came from harsh, self-judging thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way; I shouldn’t be binge watching TV and I’m never going to feel normal again, there’s something wrong with me.”
A little self-kindness went a long way in these moments. He started to see he was normal for wanting to distract himself. He felt what everyone and anyone in this unusual situation would feel. Tolerating uncertainty means feeling what you feel, distracting yourself when you want and sometimes being out-of-sorts and panicked when wondering when this is going to stop.
As well as engaging in radical self-acceptance, tolerating uncertainty may mean trying new things like experimenting with different forms of exercise, meditating or focussing on eating well and sleeping. Or, connecting with others online, creating a schedule of activities while staying at home and identifying priorities for the day, or keeping a gratitude journal. These kinds of distracting behaviours have intrinsic rewards and when combined with streaming and gaming, can both decrease feelings of being overwhelmed and enable feelings of wellbeing over time.
Common Thoughts When Tolerating Uncertainty
Thoughts matter too. Consider noticing any self-judgement, including thoughts like, “I shouldn’t be overwhelmed” or “I should be able to focus”, or “I shouldn’t be glued to the news”, or “I should be watching more news”, and the like. Letting it be, letting it go and moving gently from one feeling or thought to the next, can be a way of tolerating uncertainty through self-kindness. Acknowledging and validating that tolerating uncertainty can be overwhelming, lonely, and confusing at times is helpful. Physical distancing and social isolation can be hard to bear.
Thoughts of wanting to retreat into a shell, hide or seeing oneself as unimportant or invisible, can also be evident when tolerating uncertainty. These types of thoughts are often a product of wandering too far into the future in our thinking. Understanding the tendency to ask, “What if this doesn’t stop or stop soon?”, “What if I’m stuck in here for a long time?” or “What if I never hear from anyone?” and the like, are common thoughts when tolerating uncertainty.
These thoughts are about the future which is beyond our control. If they occur, consider returning gently to what might be controllable. It may be simply finding a new book to read, writing a letter to someone or oneself. Or, simply accepting and breathing through the thoughts and feelings.
However, not all thoughts, emotions or behaviours when tolerating uncertainty are uncomfortable. Finding opportunity in uncertainty is another way of coping. For example, using time at home to nurture family can lead to a sense of calm. Or, finding new things to learn, increases curiosity and helping others by connecting virtually, boosts hope.
Focussing on news, or social media reminding us everyone is in this together and hearing how others are coping, helps. Consciously practicing self-compassion including being patient with whatever you are feeling or thinking, is part of tolerating uncertainty.
Seeking information about how to personally contribute to slowing the spread of CoVid19 boosts our ability to tolerate uncertainty as a community. And, accepting the practice of tolerating uncertainty as a challenge can help make meaning during a time when it’s hard to understand why any of this is happening.
Importantly, trying to make sense of what is going on, is part of tolerating uncertainty. People look for reasons the pandemic is happening to them, or society, or they may focus on fault-finding. Tolerating uncertainty means sometimes asking a lot of questions concerning, why is this happening to me and my family; why is this happening to my country, or why hasn’t this been stopped or resolved yet, to name a few.
Asking these questions are ways we tolerate uncertainty.
Entertaining them along with questions like, “What can I do now?”, helps to re-orient one back to what is currently in our sphere of control. Be it simply continuing to practice physical distancing, frequently washing our hands for twenty seconds and keeping them off our faces. Or, thoughtfully reflecting on one’s values or how one wishes to be around others in preparation for a grocery shopping expedition.
Anytime we extend acceptance to ourselves, we have a chance to extend acceptance to others. Every time we return to practicing patience after momentarily becoming unglued, helps us recognize everyone is tolerating uncertainty together in one way or another. And, when we reach out to other’s we have a better chance of staving off loneliness and feelings of isolation.
Tolerating uncertainty is a community endeavour requiring both an individual, as well as collective response to ambiguity, the sheer randomness of events and increasing complexity. It compels us to seek our commonality, to identify what it is we can control and act upon it. It demands we try to check our impulses as much as we can, while finding ways to contribute and stay true to important values.
It teaches us how to be kind and scared; patient and fed-up; as well as vulnerable while standing together. It engages our national stubbornness and optimism as well as our silly, goofy and irrepressible sense of the ridiculous. It helps us fight and grieve, it calls us to stay strong and united. And, it reminds us daily we are all in this together.
Dr. Jennifer Newman is a registered psychologist. Identifying information in cases cited has been changed to protect confidentiality. She can be contacted at info@drjennifernewman.com